Until One of Us Is Dead
by montypython203
Summary: The time has come for Fran to tell Bernard how she feels about him.


Black Books

_Title: Until One of Us Is Dead_

_Rating: K+_

_Summary: The time has come for Fran to tell Bernard how she feels about him._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Black Books or Dylan Moran. I did have a dream involving Tamsin Greig once..._

_Author's Note: After watching __**Fever**__ for the second time, and having learnt that 2 standard drinks of wine a day dramatically increases your chances of getting cancer, I was inspired to write this. It might be a little OOC, but that's how I like it._

**Until One of Us Is Dead**

* * *

_Bernard: "Listen, this whole thing ... we're old friends. Don't you think it's about time now, you know, that we actually admitted that we're hugely attracted to one another? You know. Just for the summer?"  
Fran: "No I don't. I think we should wait a bit."  
Bernard: " 'Til when? Yeah?"  
Fran: "Until at least one of us is dead?"_

**- **From** Fever**, Series 2

* * *

Fran sighed as she walked up to the grave. She wiped a stray tear from her face with her cigarette-stained hand, and looked down at the gravestone. There, in big capital letters, read two words – BERNARD BLACK. Taking a deep breath, Fran began talking.

"Hello Bernard," she said. "It's me – Fran." The pain was already killing her, but she pressed on.

"I suppose I always knew this day would come," she continued. "I mean, you smoked like a chimney, drank like a Russian, and your personal hygiene left much to be desired. Still, there was always a part of me that hoped and prayed that you'd be able to hold on for that little bit longer." She paused, as if expecting Bernard to reply. After a few moments, she continued.

"So here we are," she said. "You've gone to a better place, and I'm stuck here by myself. Oh sure, there's Manny, but he isn't you. No one could ever replace you." Fran closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.

"You may not remember, but you said something a long time ago. Something that involved us, and our relationship. You were probably just delirious from the heat at the time, but you still said it. And I, in my ignorance and stupidity, told you that we should wait until one of us was dead. Now, inevitably, that day has come, and I feel obliged to tell you my answer. I don't know if you knew this, but the truth is – you were right. I _was _hugely attracted to you." Fran breathed a sigh of relief, having at last gotten this huge secret off her chest. "Crazy as it may sound, you were the most important man in my life. And while there were times when I hated you and thought you were the most repulsive man in the world, there were other times, most frequently actually, when I just wanted to shag you senseless. And that did happen – that one New Year's Eve so many years ago. I don't know how to explain it – you weren't exactly Prince Charming. But there was just something about your musty smell of smoke and alcohol, your mop of greasy hair and your strong Irish accent that made me _want you_. Because there was so much more to you than people saw. You treated me better than any other man ever has. You didn't judge me, you didn't want me to change. You were happy to hang out with plain old Fran Katzenjammer every day until the day you died. And I ... loved you for that. That's right – I love you, Bernard Black. It took me years to admit it, but it's true. You were the love of my life. All those other men were just distractions, because I knew there was no way we could ever have a normal relationship. And that was fine, because just being around you was enough for me. But now that you're gone, I don't know how I'll survive." Fran lowered her head and squeezed her eyes shut, overcome by the wave of sadness this confession had brought forth. She was just about to turn to leave, when she heard a voice.

"Fran…" it said in an unmistakable Irish accent. Fran's eyes widened.

"B-Bernard?" she stammered.

"Fran…" the voice continued, "…wake up."

"Wake up?" said a confused Fran. "But I'm not…"

* * *

Fran's eyes snapped open, and she looked around, confused. No longer was she in a deserted graveyard, but inside Black Books. She was lying on the couch, and Bernard was hunched over next to her.

"Finally!" he said, exasperated. "I thought you'd never wake up!"

"Bernard..." breathed Fran. "You're alive."

"Of course I am!" exclaimed Bernard. "And _you're _on my sofa. Now get up – the customers are looking at y-" Before Bernard could finish, Fran threw herself upon him, pressing her lips against his and pushing him back onto the floor. He tried to get up, but Fran was keeping him down. Furthermore, he found that he wasn't really resisting that much... finally, Fran broke the kiss.

"Sorry," she said. Bernard looked back up at her, eyes widened.

"No, don't be," he said timidly. At that moment, Fran looked into Bernard's eyes. He looked more vulnerable then than she had ever seen him.

"Fran? Bernard?" called Manny, who walked into the room. "What are you doing on the floor?" Instantly they got up and brushed themselves down.

"Nothing that concerns your hairy little head," said Bernard, regaining his composure. "Now back to work, Thor." Manny rolled his eyes and started sweeping the floor.

For the rest of the day, things went about as per usual. But when Bernard and Fran caught each other's eye occasionally, they both knew that things would never be the same.

**The End**

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Okay, so I was originally planning to just do the sad speech, but I couldn't help myself! As for the sleeping on the sofa, let's just say this was set the morning after __**Party**__._


End file.
